FAMILY

If you were taught well, teach well. If you weren’t taught, teach yourself first, then get to teaching well.

Teach your children well,

Their father’s hell did slowly go by,

And feed them on your dreams

The one they picks, the one you’ll know by.

Don’t you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry

,So just look at them and sigh

And know they love you.

#Iamgrateful and #Iamthankful … for Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young

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TYMMPB… | #iamgrateful and #iamthankful

Two years ago I hit a rough spot at work. I have many of those. I hope one day I can explain why … so you don’t have those yourself.

Two years ago, I hit a rough spot at work, and I made an active choice. I was going to spend every some time every single day talking about what made me grateful and what made me thankful.

I did this for a long time.

About a year later, we realized we were going to have you.

And today, two years later, here we are. Here you are. And you’ve plugged yourself into the perfect place. You are the love your sister’s life, from moment one; and your mother and I feel the same.

TYMMPB | November

Two years removed, I look at this moment and say unequivocally: #iamgrateful and #iamthankful. I say I am, and I tell you Jaanu, no matter how I may act in precise moments, I always and I always will be. You (and your sister) have made certain of it.

Today you make me proud because, today, you have given me yet another reason to be forever grateful and forever thankful.

I love you, homie. We were a family before you; but we are only a complete family because of you.

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MORE

’nuff said. #Iamhopeful#Iamgrateful and #Iamthankful … More please.

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TO MY CHILDREN

Another long one. As we get closer to Thanksgiving I’lll evolve my tone. But these need to be written. Yesterday i wrote about dark times. Today I write about some frameworks that shape how I think. You can be angry. You can be frustrated. You can be hurt. You can be so many things. But you also have to find your way forward.

There are four models and frameworks for evaluating challenges that I fall back on collectively, and when they are assembled and unified…and when checked against one another…have always made me feel something more was possible. They have always enabled me to keep moving. Literally, from the moments I have faced in my life that could be classified or categorized as a challenge or a even a tragedy. With these frameworks and mental models, I find ways to move forward instantly. Progress.

Each one of these was learned and acquired. From a book. A speech. Something.

1) Pendulum Theory. I read this one sentence in a history book but lost that book forever. We are, no matter what we choose, a reaction to what raised us. Think of a pendulum. At some point it is moving in a direction in response to the moment immediately prior to it. It is in perpetual motion but it isn’t so much linear as much as it is momentum against and a reaction to what just happened the moment before. This point is important to me because…it is about change and motion. We are constantly in motion. Never in a moment of stasis.

2) Revolution Theory: This is the Amiri Baraka/Leroi Jones point. was lucky enough to watch him speak at Lucy Stone Hall on Livingston Campus while at Rutgers. And man. He was past caring what you thought about what he thought. A man who worked in our residence hall as a janitor attended in earnest. I can’t remember his name but I can remember his energy around attending. And he stood up to ask a question about revolutions. The janitor…got crushed. Baraka then fought all points about revolutions (physical vs psychological notably) and settled on one of the most important things I’ve ever heard in my life. The idea…that revolutions are only successful if they are above and below ground. Above so people can join with you, and below so by the time everyone else knows you’re coming, it’s too late. I have since evolved that for myself. But it’s so true. You need diplomats and rebels. You need lovers and fighters. You need … them both. Because when push comes to shove what you need, is the most allies. I made my own analogy this AM. About an underground revolution growing roots and growing under even destabilizing the counterpoint. While the above ground grows high and wide to cast a massive shadow. What I was too subtle about was where we chose to grow. Ideally in the cracks of our adversaries arguments. Because that’s the only way we can disrupt from the foundation and dominate optically, while ensuring we both come from the exact same place.

3) Progressive Spiral Theory: Thank you Francis Fukuyama. Who I also read as a freshman at Rutgers. It’s the idea that life doesn’t move linearly but instead, in progressive spirals. Which means we hit a point that in the moment feels like exceptional advancement (a half-black man becoming President) only to immediately see ourselves in the next moment that feels like an amazing step back (Google “alt-right” and filter the search results over the past 1 week.) But that’s what’s magical about it. We progress. And then we cycle back. To reset. Get our sea legs. But also, to find a way forward and then come back for the rest of us. Because at the very tip of the spear of humanity we’re a search party that reports back on what’s possible. 2008. 2012. That was what’s possible. 2016. That is us reporting back so the masses can debate and soon, join the rest of us in the future which just so happens to be 2008. But let’s realize that how close or how far you are from that progressive spiral is what directly correlates to your happiness and sadness. A minority living today on that spiral post-Trump is not happy. But it’s a moment. Seconds. No different than that same person being on that timeline on inauguration day 2008. One feels oppressive. one feels liberating. Depending on your choice, I’ll know where you stand.

4) Amalgamation Theory: How do you pull it all together? You pray. And you love the hell out of everyone. Even the people who make you question whether you’re loving too much. You say…if the pendulum is swinging in a certain direction

if the revolution is being fought on all levels

if we’re on a spiral, at some point

You feel hopeful. Because we’re moving. We’re part of that movement as lovers or fighters; as pacifists and revolutionaries. We’re part of it.

And focusing on steps forward and steps back only means focusing on distractions from perpetual (which it is), progressively spiraling (which it is) motion (which … it is.)

#Iamgrateful and #Iamthankful for what Rutgers University and Rutgers University Livingston Campus taught me. Anaiya and Jaan, I hope you embrace all four theories collectively. Your first models for thinking.

The first set of approaches as arrows in your quiver. What I’ve outlined above is how I make decisions everywhere. Those are my starting point. Let it be a factor in yours. Just a factor at least. Note the progressive spirals in 25 year increments … 1965 < 1990 < 2016.

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THAT YEAR I LUNCHED WITH NEO-NAZIS

Check out the sign. That’s my home. I grew up in South Jersey. Formative school years in the late 80’s and early 90’s. Hip Hop’s true golden age, FWIW WaPo. I had an interesting life in two distinct parts. I had my parents and their friends. Everyone on the other side — the better side — of the tracks. Weekend escapes into communities and houses where I felt at least surrounded by people who looked like me and had conversations like my parents and I had at home. On the flip? I had my school. Two of my best friends in school were South Asian and we pretty much made up that ethnic cohort for, outside of siblings, years above and below us. Blue collar Italian and Irish. It was a fascinating experiment which I think the three of us handled differently. Those two went, quite honestly, with the cool and the smart kids. Because they were smarter, more likable, and better looking than I was. (Truth. Just look at report cards and pics.) I spent a ton of time immersed in the counter culture because I just wanted to understand. Hip Hop culture. Skater culture. Straight edge culture. But the most immersive for me was senior year. When I spent all but my last month sitting … with neo nazis and skinheads. Yup. See growing up where we grew up in NJ (more Vineland than us, but we still got you covered) got you coverage on 20/20 and the Philadelphia Inquirer. Most notably for having the densest population of hate groups outside of Texas. I read and read and tried to empathize and empathize and learn and learn. And fear and fear. Turned to something weird. A progressive spiral of understanding (thank you Francis Fukuyama for teaching me that visual way to represent my own progress — more on you in a subsequent post.) Something that took me back into dark places in high school and then brought me back to a place where I could sit with them and not be afraid. Not be condescending. Just sit with them. And they let me in. The daily pictures of new flags in bedrooms were unsettling but I started learning why. Not always hate just a desire to be a part of something. And to reject something (authority more than POC actually). It hurt. But it made me more aware. Which is why I was able to be in the room with our principal (RIP) when he decided to cancel Halloween one year because kids were going to come in dressed like the KKK. I write this because three times in my life have I visited that dark place i did my senior year in high school. It’s also why I’ve continued to study and monitor those groups and trends ever since (I bet I’m on an FBI watchlist for some of the sites I’ve visited–like Clayton Bigsby, but without the self-hate!) I’ve literally never shared the depths of those stories and probably never will. Three times. Junior to Senior Year. The months after 9/11. And the past 10 days. Which is why I am sharing this picture. This sign. Because that’s my ‘hood. And look at the diversity represented in the sign. Check out who makes up the GTWP Green Squad? It’s a diverse coalition. That sign would never have gone up 25 years ago when I was in high school. Now it’s not only up, it’s front and center. And the best part? The sign isn’t about diversity. It’s about something else. Which when you know you have progress is when your inclusion implicitly happens, vs when your inclusion must be explicitly pursued. We went to this playground and ran around with Anaiya on Saturday. It felt like home. We were one of three total groups of minorities on the playground — I’ll go with 75 total people across the grounds. I feel bad that I noticed it that day. I usually don’t (unless it’s worth making a joke about.) But #Iamgrateful and #Iamthankful that while noticing that, we came across this sign. Life doesn’t move linearly forward. It moves forward in a series of progressive spirals. There is no end of history. If we focus too much on the immediate moment, as opposed to what got us here and what can take us forward, everything feels like a straight line forward or back. It doesn’t feel like progress, it just feels inevitably straight. And it isn’t. Me? I’m settling into another loop. We’ll come back better with more people along for the ride. It’s all I’ve got. Thanks for reading.

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FIRST BITES

Jaanu took his first bite of solids today. The person to feed him? His sister. #Iamgrateful and #Iamthankful for the love she has for him, and for the obvious reciprocation just based on the look on his face when he sees her or when she talks to him. Shout out to Neil Kaka who got to hold him the whole way through, and then some.

May be an image of 4 people
May be an image of 2 people
May be an image of 1 person
May be an image of 1 person
May be an image of 2 people
May be an image of 2 people
May be an image of 3 people

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TYMMPB … | We Click on the Immeasurable

Rulers. Scales. Tape. Google Analytics.

These are all tools you use to measure, Length. Width. Height. Weight. Clothing. And the performance of your website.

What gets measured, gets done, goes an adage you will probably here when you get to working (it makes me sad that some things, I believe, will never change.)

What you’ll learn over time though, is that what truly matters is the space between everything that can be measured. The specific and the measurable gives us security and confidence that we can truly know the world (we can’t).

What’s in-between however, is infinite. It moves in every direction. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, sure; but the truest distance between two points is actually magic. With all the things that matter, there’s no straight line, just infinite emotion and hope and love shooting out in every possible direction.

It’s immeasurable. And the immeasurable, the thing you can’t know or measure, the thing you can only believe, is the only way to explain moments like this.

TYMMPB | October

You. And Dadi Masi. How you and your sister have forged such a strong bond with her when geography, time and space conspire to enforce the opposite, I can’t know. I can only know, it’s beautiful, and it’s immeasurable.

And it’s further evidence that you’re mine. Today, you make me proud because you understand that sometimes, you don’t need proof or evidence, you just need to feel.

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TYMMPB… | You Build Bridges

It ain’t right.

It.

Just.

Ain’t.

Right.

Jaanu, there are some people who are trying to turn us into a world of walls. Walls have sides. Not the good kind. The kind you take. Not the kind you leave.

I’m not a fan of walls. Your Mom and I are looking at buying a house soon and every time we walk into a place the first thing I’m looking at is what walls we can take down. I get them. Walls are necessary. Like medicine is necessary. Like funky cheese is necessary.

But too many walls and they lose their purpose. You move from a place where you’re keeping the bad things out, to a place where you’re keeping only you, in.

That’s why I prefer bridges. Bridges have sides too. The kind you talk about because you’re committed to leaving from or going to. The bridge isn’t the end goal. It’s the vehicle that enables the ultimate end goal: connections.

TYMMPB | September Sandwich

Today you make me proud because, just a few months in, and you already get the value of bridging. Keep doing that hard work and heavy lifting, BBCC.

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TYMMPB … | Touch Matters

I’ve had lots of discussions about the power of human influence. There’s much to cover. What is it that we can do that puts us in the greatest position to impact another person. To affect another person.

Quote after quote talks about the power of words. The impact of words. Our greatest drug. What they have more power then.

Words.

But there’s a funny thing about words. They’re easy. And so, though on the high end, they may have the ability to move, to build, to halt, to destroy, to inspire, to elevate, to bewilder, to deflate. On the highest of ends I see that. I get it.

But you can also throw words away. You can lose them. They can leave you before you pass a thought.

That’s the range of words. You know what does words one better?

TYMMPB | August - Hand

Touch.

Touch can be beautiful. Touch can be devastating. But it is always acknowledged. It is powerfully deliberate. And as a result, it’s rare to have touch that isn’t meaningful. Impactful.

I’m not saying it can’t be accidental. But you give it your own whirl and tell me, in the end, which made the greatest impact. A casual word, or casual contact.

Elbow. Cheek. Hand. Head. Shoulder. Waist. Knee.

More than a thousand words, son, I tell you, placing your hand on any one of these places can erase the need for words. Can show us the limitation of words.

Today you make me proud because you get it. I tried telling you that, but I grabbed your two fingers and held on through the night instead.

Because. Touch.

 

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TYMMPB… | Being Silver and Exact

I don’t think you will ever realize the weight on your shoulders. Actually, the expectations cast as glances, shadows, dreams upon you. Even at this age — 2 months today — every person who looks at you has expectations.

It’s not easy. I failed often, and miserably — often miserably, miserably often — with that same weight on my shoulders. But watching you this past month gives me extraordinary peace. Because I realize something you do extraordinarily well already is reflect back to all of these people what they expect of you.

When your sister sings to you, you indulge her voice, her pitch, her volume, her passion and even, her sometimes unknowing heavy handedness. She can’t help it. It’s love.

When your mother feeds you, you indulge all she has to offer you. Her nourishment, sure, but her love, her warmth, her hold, her comfort. You take it all in furiously and give it back, cheek to cheek.

When your Dadiji and Naniji come to visit. And know this, between them, you’ve had a grandmother here for about 7 of your 8.5 weeks. When they come to visit you let them hold you, hug you, change you … you reflect back all of the extraordinary, pure and intense love they direct your way by being. In their arms. Being.

I mean wow. Look at how much happiness you bring people by doing nothing other than being?

That’s you. A mirror for all of our love. Incredibly patient. Hell, you went 6 days without dropping a deuce, going to borderline jaundice, and the only thing we could tell the doctor was “yeah, he’s … a little fussy? we guess?” At two months you managed to calm our nerves by not letting the world phase you. A mirror that managed to bend and reflect back even our own insecurities in beautiful ways distorting them into something calm, simple, beautiful. Handsome.

Maybe you’ll go a life time being that reflection to all around you. It’s something powerful. People need to see in you their best selves. People do see in you their best selves.

Watching you work your way through month two has made me realize that I can be that better mirror, too. For your mom. For your sister. For your grandparents. For all the people in our lives. Thank you for making me proud, Jaanu. But thank you more for teaching me the importance of reflection … and reflecting. Literally, in some cases. Like this video.

Happy second month, son. You continue to change our lives in ways we never thought possible.

 

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