I desperately wanted to make it through today. September 11th.
It’s an eerily odd year because the days (the 9th, the 10th, the 11th) all fell on similar days as they did in 2001. When life synchronizes emotion with progression with time with numbers, things become more real. When September 11th falls on a Thursday or a Saturday it means a lot to me but it does, very honestly, mean a little less than it does when it falls on a Tuesday.
When it falls on a Tuesday my September 11th starts on Sunday. When we grabbed breakfast while watching football. And when we roamed NYC. Or when we caught a friend’s one-man show before hugging on the corner Christopher and West 4th for a “see ya later” … that turned into a “goodbye forever”. I was young then. I’m old as sin now. Forever is way more probable than later. With life happening as fast as it does. Forever is way more possible than later. These days. This year.
F*ck you 2018.All I wanted to do was pour a Guinness down my throat and say goodbye to this Tuesday in September that’s graded on a curve, that’s weighted on a curve.
That’s all I wanted to do. Until I heard your news, buddy. Luke Haseloff you’ll be sorely missed. I called you every time I swapped jobs. We were going to make Jersey City happen (hell, from that email exchange last night it was going to happen in September or October! But it was going to happen.) WHOA was it going to happen. A month away from this birthday. Networking events in full swing….and I guess that’s the problem. It was probably going to happen. It was possibly going to happen. But now it won’t happen, forever. And there’s the rub. Forever is now more likely than possible or probable.
And I hate my new normal. I’m not doing enough to fly in the face of it. 2018 has presented a new challenge what feels like every other week. But as I explained to a friend this weekend who suffered through the tragic death of a loved one — so young, at the peak of life — as I worked through with a friend … I realized, this is our new normal.25 years ago it was sweet sixteens.22 years ago it was turning 21.20 years ago it was graduation.10 years ago it was weddings.5 years ago it was birthdays.
Today. And forever. It’s not possible. It’s not probable. It’s forever.
Today. It’s about remembering. That’s scary as hell. Until you realize it’s not probable. It’s not possible. It’s truth. And when it happens. Your forever is based on what you were. Not what you thought you were. Or wished you were.
Just what you were. My answer: not good enough. Not good ENOugh. TO EVERYONE we’ve lost. To everyone we’re with.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH. As I whack my head against my monitor and my computer screen and my past 10, 15, 20 years.Am I doing enough? For the people I love. Even like?
It’s a simple answer. No. NOT enough. It’s a start. Learn from loss. Learn. From. Loss.